mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
