Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
