We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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