I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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