just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize