Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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