cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
