a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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