I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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