I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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