Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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