if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize