Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
NoShamevember. You game?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize