Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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