they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
