If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
