I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize