well I can't set my house on fire every night
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
