I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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