Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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