turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So apparently I’m into choking now
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
