They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
