Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
