This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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