Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
