I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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