He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
