I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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