theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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