Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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