I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
