so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
