there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize