I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
