i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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