She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he was CRYING into my vagina
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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