If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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