cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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