Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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