I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
