omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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