Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
