Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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