My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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