I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
