I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We talked him into tasing himself.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
