Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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