You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
