Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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