You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
