there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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