a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
