Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I am spending my child support on dildos
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
