Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize