i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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