You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
