The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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