A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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