Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
